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Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

November 14, 2009

ESCONDIDO, CA—Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.

Kyle Mortensen would gladly give his life to protect what he says is the Constitution's very clear stance against birth control.

"Our very way of life is under siege," said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. "It's time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are."

According to Mortensen—an otherwise mild-mannered husband, father, and small-business owner—the most serious threat to his fanciful version of the 222-year-old Constitution is the attempt by far-left "traitors" to strip it of its religious foundation.

"Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."

"Men like Madison and Jefferson were moved by the ideals of Christianity, and wanted the United States to reflect those values as a Christian nation," continued Mortensen, referring to the "Father of the Constitution," James Madison, considered by many historians to be an atheist, and Thomas Jefferson, an Enlightenment-era thinker who rejected the divinity of Christ and was in France at the time the document was written. "The words on the page speak for themselves."

According to sources who have read the nation's charter, the U.S. Constitution and its 27 amendments do not contain the word "God" or "Christ."

Mortensen said his admiration for the loose assemblage of vague half-notions he calls the Constitution has only grown over time. He believes that each detail he has pulled from thin air—from prohibitions on sodomy and flag-burning, to mandatory crackdowns on immigrants, to the right of citizens not to have their hard-earned income confiscated in the form of taxes—has contributed to making it the best framework for governance "since the Ten Commandments."

"And let's not forget that when the Constitution was ratified it brought freedom to every single American," Mortensen said.

Mortensen's passion for safeguarding the elaborate fantasy world in which his conception of the Constitution resides is greatly respected by his likeminded friends and relatives, many of whom have been known to repeat his unfounded assertions verbatim when angered. Still, some friends and family members remain critical.

"Dad's great, but listening to all that talk radio has put some weird ideas into his head," said daughter Samantha, a freshman at Reed College in Portland, OR. "He believes the Constitution allows the government to torture people and ban gay marriage, yet he doesn't even know that it guarantees universal health care."

Mortensen told reporters that he'll fight until the bitter end for what he roughly supposes the Constitution to be. He acknowledged, however, that it might already be too late to win the battle.

"The freedoms our Founding Fathers spilled their blood for are vanishing before our eyes," Mortensen said. "In under a year, a fascist, socialist regime has turned a proud democracy into a totalitarian state that will soon control every facet of American life."

"Don't just take my word for it," Mortensen added. "Try reading a newspaper or watching the news sometime."

[I gotta say it: Amen!]

BUSH PLANS PRESIDENTIAL LIBERRY

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SUPREME COURT DECLARES CONSTITUTION "UNCONSTITUTIONAL"

Washington, D.C. (News Service)---In yet another shocking and unexpected turn of events today, the Supreme Court ruled that the United States Constitution is "unconstitutional" because it grants rights and protections too broadly.

The court convened in a hastily-called and unprecedented secret midnight session--one of a suite of what new Chief Justice John Roberts referred to as "Roberts Innovations" being introduced to the Supreme Court proceedings--and did not produce a quorum. But the Chief Justice said that he had personally contacted the seven absent justices (John Paul Stevens, Antonin Scalia, Anthony M. Kennedy, David Souter, Clarence Thomas, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Stephen G. Breyer) and they assured him they had faith in his wisdom, and had given the "thumbs up." None of the absent justices has returned repeated phone calls.

The special session was urgently requested by former House Republican Newt Gingrich to ascertain the Constitution's general fitness by looking at a representative case, the 19th Amendment of 1919 which granted women the right to vote, and asking if that amendment had been enacted in error relative to the desires of the founding fathers.

Gingrich, who both argued his case before the court, and was later asked by Chief Justice Roberts to join the rest of the justices on the bench as a "guest jurist"--another "Roberts Innovation"--argued that "the perilous path pursued by the judicial and legislative branches of government since the Civil War has seen rights granted to, and status acknowledged upon, those whom the colonists never envisioned as enfranchised and of such developments would not have approved." He believed the Constitution had been drafted "in error," and "grievously further amended" by the inclusion of tenets and details anathema to the desires of the founding fathers.

The debate was short. Newly appointed Justice Samuel Alito moved that the unpleasant aspects of the case be admitted in print as addenda to the record and that the justices agree to "hammer this out" over bourbon & steak at Butterfield 9. The motion was unanimously carried, and the court announced their avowed outcome of the case and quickly adjourned. A brief statement was read declaring that the Court would comment on their decision tomorrow, "after a good dinner and proper rest."

Speaking for the majority--the vote was unanimous among the two present jurors and Guest Jurist--Gingrich's statement said in part: "In granting the franchise and other rights of full citizenship so broadly, the 19th Amendment seeks to make an end run around the desires of the founding fathers." When it was pointed out that the framers of the Constitution were commonly thought of as those same founding fathers, Gingrich replied "We're really looking to a higher Founding Father," as he rushed to his waiting limousine.

CHENEY PLACES DEMOCRATS UNDER MARTIAL LAW

WASHINGTON, DC (News Service)--Vice President Dick Cheney, citing "national security," announced today that all Democratic politicians, their staffs and supporters would henceforth be subject to martial law. "These are trying times, and I will not stand here and see this country destroyed by the treason of these America-haters," said the Vice President in a statement from a private Republican fundraiser. As part of the newly-announced War on Dissidence, an immediate curfew was imposed on Democrats in the nation's capital, and security police were dispatched to the Democratic side of the House and Senate chambers.

Washington Democrats approached the situation with some levity at first, until an arrest warrant was issued for Pennsylvania Senator John Murtha, who made an emotional plea in November for the speedy withdrawal of U.S. Troops from Iraq. Murtha was spirited away in a private limosine only moments before a contingent of armed troops swarmed the Senate to execute his arrest warrant. He has since gone into hiding. As the seriousness of their position became clear, Democratic politicians could be seen scrambling from offices and house parties toward their homes as night fell on the Capital.



As part of the hastily-drawn martial law plan, violators of the curfew or other provisions of martial law will be deported to Guantanamo Bay, using an obscure provision of Cuban law, and may be subject to torture. A New York Times reporter was arrested and his credentials retained after querying Cheney about the legality of these provisions. He was later released after having a large blue "D" tattooed across his face.

This was apparently part of an experiment. Cheney said that curfews might be relaxed once a plan was in place to mark Democrats so that they were clearly visible at all times, since it was difficult to be sure the administration was not punishing loyal Republicans. After several moderate Democrats tried to pass themselves off as liberal Republicans, General Lucidius Q. Hangwell said the authorities were taking no chances. Some kind of visible insignia fastened to their outermost garment was being discussed as perhaps the only way to keep what General Hangwell called "lying, slippery Democrats" from evading notice. But the permanent facial tattoo was said by Cheney to be "brilliant" and something not to be evaded.

Asked how they were supposed to go about their business with their figures maimed with large blue facial tattoos, General Hangwell suggested wearing a burqa, though he cautioned that anyone wearing one would automatically be considered an enemy of the state.

KANSAS DECLARES CITIZENS "ALL WHITE"

TOPEKA, KS (News Service)--In what is being billed as a bold solution to one of the world's most vexing social problems, the state of Kansas announced yesterday that henceforth all its citizens would be declared "legally white." The announcement, issued at a ceremony where Governor Kathleen Sebelius signed the bill into law, follows on the heels of The Kansas Board of Education's success in getting the definition of science changed to allow for spiritual explanations. "This law will once and for all end the upheaval of racial tensions," said an elated governor, surrounded by her now all-white staff.



"This is an exciting day for race relations," said Republican Senator Pat Roberts. "We've been struggling as a nation with the irritation of racial problems ever since African blacks showed up on our shores in the 1600s looking for work and political asylum--even before that, when Indians were trying to take our land." But the senator said that our approaches to racial issues had been henceforth all wrong. "Thanks to our new understanding of science," he said, "we're able to declare war on race. But scientifically!" He made reference to a "scientifically revised" cladistic diagram of life, which includes a new, separate branch called "humanity" for whites only. This would be unveiled to the general public soon in Washington, where bills similar to the recent Kansas rulings would be introduced to the House and Senate. "We're working hard to translate these spectacular state successes into national initiatives," said Senator Roberts. President Bush is said to give the initiatives his "full support."



Asked how this new initiative would benefit minorities, the Governor said "Well, I didn't say that, exactly; y'see, in Kansas here we got a saying: 'Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.'" She refused to elaborate.

Jesus Christ was scheduled to talk at the press conference, but failed to show up. "Jesus gots a busy schedule," said an aide to the Governor. "For sure, you don't know shit about Jesus' schedule." He added, "We'd be happy to open a can o'this over yonder in France. Clean that shit right up."