Tuesday, June 13, 2006
BUSH PLANS PRESIDENTIAL LIBERRY
CRAWFORD, TX (News Service) President Bush today announced that Bob Jones University in Greenville, SC would be the location of "my new Presidential Liberry," rather than the expected location of Southern Methodist University in Dallas, TX. "These projects are huge perks for any hosting institution, and we wanted our choice in this matter to reflect this administration's educational focus," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snow in a statement during the Terrestrial Oilmens' World Governance Council held at Bush's ranch in Crawford, TX.
The decision was made after Strategic Initiative Czar Karl Rove pointed out to the president that the SMU website was cluttered with "academic gobbledygook" and did not contain the scriptural guidance and assigned daily bible passages found at the BJU website. According to inside sources, the president was concerned about the learning environment at SMU, where students were at risk of having to find their way among a "liberal free-for-all" of openly competing ideas, rather than the more structured environment at BJU, where students are plainly told what they may and may not believe. "We want no taint of liberalism attached to this administration in history," said Snow.
Several exciting exhibits are planned for "My Big Liberry," which the president has vowed will be "bigger and better" than Bill Clinton's presidential library in Little Rock, AR. Since there will be almost no books on the premises (one notable exception will be a copy of "The Pet Goat," the actual book the president was reading during the 9/11 attacks, and the authors of which, Siegfried Engelmann and Elaine Bruner, are now in custody in Guantanamo Bay "just in case"), there will be more space available for "space-age" interactive exhibits like a hands-on simulated brush clearing exhibit, or a "Name The Initiative" contest (a similar contest to this one was held among White House staff during the active days of the administration and is responsible for such memorable phrases as "Healthy Forests Initiative" and "Clear Skies Initiative" and the "Patriot Act," among others).
There will also be an exhibit tentatively called the "Burn a Heretic Initiative" where male participants will be able to don priestly robes and annul the marriage of same-sex staff members posing as gay couples.
The only stipulation made by the Bush White House is that the name "BJU" be changed to "BFU," since the former is now universal street slang for "BlowJob University." BFU is said to stand for "Bush Family University."