Wednesday, November 9, 2005
KANSAS DECLARES CITIZENS "ALL WHITE"
TOPEKA, KS (News Service)--In what is being billed as a bold solution to one of the world's most vexing social problems, the state of Kansas announced yesterday that henceforth all its citizens would be declared "legally white." The announcement, issued at a ceremony where Governor Kathleen Sebelius signed the bill into law, follows on the heels of The Kansas Board of Education's success in getting the definition of science changed to allow for spiritual explanations. "This law will once and for all end the upheaval of racial tensions," said an elated governor, surrounded by her now all-white staff.
"This is an exciting day for race relations," said Republican Senator Pat Roberts. "We've been struggling as a nation with the irritation of racial problems ever since African blacks showed up on our shores in the 1600s looking for work and political asylum--even before that, when Indians were trying to take our land." But the senator said that our approaches to racial issues had been henceforth all wrong. "Thanks to our new understanding of science," he said, "we're able to declare war on race. But scientifically!" He made reference to a "scientifically revised" cladistic diagram of life, which includes a new, separate branch called "humanity" for whites only. This would be unveiled to the general public soon in Washington, where bills similar to the recent Kansas rulings would be introduced to the House and Senate. "We're working hard to translate these spectacular state successes into national initiatives," said Senator Roberts. President Bush is said to give the initiatives his "full support."
Asked how this new initiative would benefit minorities, the Governor said "Well, I didn't say that, exactly; y'see, in Kansas here we got a saying: 'Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.'" She refused to elaborate.
Jesus Christ was scheduled to talk at the press conference, but failed to show up. "Jesus gots a busy schedule," said an aide to the Governor. "For sure, you don't know shit about Jesus' schedule." He added, "We'd be happy to open a can o'this over yonder in France. Clean that shit right up."