Wednesday, November 9, 2005

KANSAS DECLARES CITIZENS "ALL WHITE"


TOPEKA, KS (News Service)--In what is being billed as a bold solution to one of the world's most vexing social problems, the state of Kansas announced yesterday that henceforth all its citizens would be declared "legally white." The announcement, issued at a ceremony where Governor Kathleen Sebelius signed the bill into law, follows on the heels of The Kansas Board of Education's success in getting the definition of science changed to allow for spiritual explanations. "This law will once and for all end the upheaval of racial tensions," said an elated governor, surrounded by her now all-white staff.



"This is an exciting day for race relations," said Republican Senator Pat Roberts. "We've been struggling as a nation with the irritation of racial problems ever since African blacks showed up on our shores in the 1600s looking for work and political asylum--even before that, when Indians were trying to take our land." But the senator said that our approaches to racial issues had been henceforth all wrong. "Thanks to our new understanding of science," he said, "we're able to declare war on race. But scientifically!" He made reference to a "scientifically revised" cladistic diagram of life, which includes a new, separate branch called "humanity" for whites only. This would be unveiled to the general public soon in Washington, where bills similar to the recent Kansas rulings would be introduced to the House and Senate. "We're working hard to translate these spectacular state successes into national initiatives," said Senator Roberts. President Bush is said to give the initiatives his "full support."



Asked how this new initiative would benefit minorities, the Governor said "Well, I didn't say that, exactly; y'see, in Kansas here we got a saying: 'Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.'" She refused to elaborate.

Jesus Christ was scheduled to talk at the press conference, but failed to show up. "Jesus gots a busy schedule," said an aide to the Governor. "For sure, you don't know shit about Jesus' schedule." He added, "We'd be happy to open a can o'this over yonder in France. Clean that shit right up."

9 comments:

Joshua said...

I lived in Kansas for a few years, and beyond being the flattest state ever, it happens to be the most boring, as well. This, of course, is due to the constant sister-breeding. I had to leave before I turned fourteen, lest I be forced to marry one of my overweight siblings.

But I digress. The Pat Roberts quote was sheer brilliance. I am officially nominating you for the "Jonathan Swift" award.

PS, my authentication word for posting this comment was
"rump" Nice.

Derek said...

"France?"

Whut's "France?"

My authentication word was ncqrxlq.

Is that something they say in "France?"

wunelle said...

I see now that all 8 members of the Kansas School Board up for reelection have been ousted at the polls. Perhaps I lambasted too soon...

Lizzie said...

those Kansans, they're just so damn smart - always one step ahead of us. Declaring everyone white... brilliant!

And ditto Joshua, love the Pat Roberts quote.

wunelle said...

Susan strongly suggested that I remove a central paragraph that she said was patently offensive, shocking even. Upon reflection, I complied.

I guess the whole subject riles me up quite beyond the point of reason.

Still, given what they've actually done, how big a stretch is this?

woolf said...

Whenever I hear something negative about Kansas, I get irked until I remember I don't live there anymore and don't ever intend to in the future--so if that's not a comment on my love for my home state, what is?

I do recommend the book, What's the Matter with Kansas? to anyone who is interested in how a state that began with a progressive mindset (free soilers etc.) has been hijacked by religious fervor and conservatism.

wunelle said...

I've seen the title in bookstores. I'll have to look it up. One wonders how the things discussed in there might apply across the country, since Kansas is not the only place dropping brain cells lately.

Thanks for the comment!

BrianAlt said...

My God! For a second there I thought you were serious. Hey, would that be beyond certain parts of the country?

On another note, I saw Paper Clips this weekend. I cried almost the entire time. There is some hope in this country. Or does it prove there's no hope when something like this is the extraordinary?

BrianAlt said...

Another note, check my blog entry for today. {sigh}