Monday, December 12, 2005


WASHINGTON, DC (News Service)--Vice President Dick Cheney, citing "national security," announced today that all Democratic politicians, their staffs and supporters would henceforth be subject to martial law. "These are trying times, and I will not stand here and see this country destroyed by the treason of these America-haters," said the Vice President in a statement from a private Republican fundraiser. As part of the newly-announced War on Dissidence, an immediate curfew was imposed on Democrats in the nation's capital, and security police were dispatched to the Democratic side of the House and Senate chambers.

Washington Democrats approached the situation with some levity at first, until an arrest warrant was issued for Pennsylvania Senator John Murtha, who made an emotional plea in November for the speedy withdrawal of U.S. Troops from Iraq. Murtha was spirited away in a private limosine only moments before a contingent of armed troops swarmed the Senate to execute his arrest warrant. He has since gone into hiding. As the seriousness of their position became clear, Democratic politicians could be seen scrambling from offices and house parties toward their homes as night fell on the Capital.

As part of the hastily-drawn martial law plan, violators of the curfew or other provisions of martial law will be deported to Guantanamo Bay, using an obscure provision of Cuban law, and may be subject to torture. A New York Times reporter was arrested and his credentials retained after querying Cheney about the legality of these provisions. He was later released after having a large blue "D" tattooed across his face.

This was apparently part of an experiment. Cheney said that curfews might be relaxed once a plan was in place to mark Democrats so that they were clearly visible at all times, since it was difficult to be sure the administration was not punishing loyal Republicans. After several moderate Democrats tried to pass themselves off as liberal Republicans, General Lucidius Q. Hangwell said the authorities were taking no chances. Some kind of visible insignia fastened to their outermost garment was being discussed as perhaps the only way to keep what General Hangwell called "lying, slippery Democrats" from evading notice. But the permanent facial tattoo was said by Cheney to be "brilliant" and something not to be evaded.

Asked how they were supposed to go about their business with their figures maimed with large blue facial tattoos, General Hangwell suggested wearing a burqa, though he cautioned that anyone wearing one would automatically be considered an enemy of the state.


Heather B. said...

I'll let you know how Guantanamo is. I've never been to Cuba before, it might be nice. I'm just hoping they don't beat me.

wunelle said...

Or at least that they beat you in such a way as to make it recreational and satisfying.

Hey, I'll see you there! We can compare tattoos!