SUPREME COURT DECLARES CONSTITUTION "UNCONSTITUTIONAL"

Washington, D.C. (News Service)---In yet another shocking and unexpected turn of events today, the Supreme Court ruled that the United States Constitution is "unconstitutional" because it grants rights and protections too broadly.

The court convened in a hastily-called and unprecedented secret midnight session--one of a suite of what new Chief Justice John Roberts referred to as "Roberts Innovations" being introduced to the Supreme Court proceedings--and did not produce a quorum. But the Chief Justice said that he had personally contacted the seven absent justices (John Paul Stevens, Antonin Scalia, Anthony M. Kennedy, David Souter, Clarence Thomas, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Stephen G. Breyer) and they assured him they had faith in his wisdom, and had given the "thumbs up." None of the absent justices has returned repeated phone calls.

The special session was urgently requested by former House Republican Newt Gingrich to ascertain the Constitution's general fitness by looking at a representative case, the 19th Amendment of 1919 which granted women the right to vote, and asking if that amendment had been enacted in error relative to the desires of the founding fathers.

Gingrich, who both argued his case before the court, and was later asked by Chief Justice Roberts to join the rest of the justices on the bench as a "guest jurist"--another "Roberts Innovation"--argued that "the perilous path pursued by the judicial and legislative branches of government since the Civil War has seen rights granted to, and status acknowledged upon, those whom the colonists never envisioned as enfranchised and of such developments would not have approved." He believed the Constitution had been drafted "in error," and "grievously further amended" by the inclusion of tenets and details anathema to the desires of the founding fathers.

The debate was short. Newly appointed Justice Samuel Alito moved that the unpleasant aspects of the case be admitted in print as addenda to the record and that the justices agree to "hammer this out" over bourbon & steak at Butterfield 9. The motion was unanimously carried, and the court announced their avowed outcome of the case and quickly adjourned. A brief statement was read declaring that the Court would comment on their decision tomorrow, "after a good dinner and proper rest."

Speaking for the majority--the vote was unanimous among the two present jurors and Guest Jurist--Gingrich's statement said in part: "In granting the franchise and other rights of full citizenship so broadly, the 19th Amendment seeks to make an end run around the desires of the founding fathers." When it was pointed out that the framers of the Constitution were commonly thought of as those same founding fathers, Gingrich replied "We're really looking to a higher Founding Father," as he rushed to his waiting limousine.