Monday, November 7, 2005

My Last Breast Posting This Week

I've decided that I want to convert to Hinduism. Because they get to be reincarnated, and I've finally decided what I want to come back as. Susan sleeps with a couple of teddy bears (yeah, I may be half a man, but the real question is: which half?), one of which is deemed the "breast bear." Apparently there is more work to do here during sleep--keeping things properly separated, moisture control, that sort of thing--than we boys had the slightest clue about.

So that's my idea: how cool would it be to come back as a breast bear? Yeah? But how would I bring it about? It seems that what form you take when you come back is determined by your deeds in life. So if you're bad you come back as an insect; and if you're really bad you come back as money. Or maybe a Republican. What do you suppose it takes to become a breast bear in your next life? Would I have to be a regular Mother Te-frickin'-resa? Would she want to be a breast bear? Eeewwww. I've been practicing, and I've demonstrated to the bear that I'm capable and eager to do the kinds of things I'd be called upon to do in my new capacity. And I'm pretty good, too. It's not like I'd need any special training.

This line of thinking leads inexorably to its mirror-image: what did a fella have to do in a previous life to end up as Dick Cheney? W? Condoleezza Rice? Were they breast bears who bit?

Any suggestions that might clear this all up for me would be greatly appreciated.

10 comments:

green_canary said...

Moisture control? I'm a woman who possesses breasts, and I am uncertain what you mean by "moisture control." Should there be moisture? Maybe my breasts don't work right. Oh god! Are mine broken?!

BrianAlt said...

Haven't you ever read Gulliver's Travels? Are you sure it would be all that fun?

Yeah, you're probably right, it would be fun.

wunelle said...

It says right in the manual:

"Breast Bear moisture control properties are best utilized for, but are not limited to, sweat absorbtion, drool and other saliva accumulation, ancient dog sneezing-fit detritus, etc."

So there you have it.

I've never read Gulliver's Travels. Are there breasts in there too? Man, and I thought it was a kids' book!

The stuff I'm missing.

BrianAlt said...

Yeah, basically Gulliver comes to a land of giants and is put in the bosom of a woman and is repulsed by them in the same way the Lilliputians were repulsed by him.

And it's not a children's story.

mango said...

I am confused about breast bears and moisture control. Like green canary, I fear my breasts may be broken. I' a drooler but I don't think I've ever drooled onto my own breasts as I sleep and my breasts don't sweat or otherwise secrete liquids in the night (or day)...

More information on the breast bear please!

wunelle said...

Were I not so happily married (and urgently working a campaign to replace said breast bear) I would happily volunteer to assess ;-) However, under the circumstances you'll just have to find your own breast-bear-need consultant!

No one said that the drool originated with the breasts' owner... Drool from whatever source will need to be cleaned up!

I think the bear lives in what I might call "cleveland," so that the breasts are, like small children, separated for the night so that they don't fight.

Well, something like that.

As the clueless boy in this situation, I only get my information second-hand. But I know for a fact that there is a breast bear, and he spends his time in much more entertaining ways than I do!

Lizzie said...

Hmm, I also do not have a breast bear but am beginning to think I want one.

I think being democrat is good enough to ensure reincarnation as a breast bear.

green_canary said...

I googled "breast bear" and I didn't get anything except some Avon stuff and breast enhancement ads. Is the breast bear made specifically for moisture-ridden boobies or is it a regular bear that happens to fit really well between said boobies?

wunelle said...

See, I do have a talent for fake news! There's not an actual, brand-name "Breast Bear" (though these comments make me think there ought to be!). I would happily play the Head of Development.

No, Double-B began life as a run-o-the-mill teddy bear. He was subsequently beatified into a BB through good works. (One wonders what BB's heaven will consist of...)

matty said...

I've only known one breast bear in my life, and he was a fat, hairy, gay man in San Francisco. He also had a penchant for other Bears so I don't think he is what you are referring to by this bear. Anyway I would love to be reincarnated as something that would continuously be placed between the breasts but I definitely wouldn't be cool with being drooled on or soaking up excess boob perspiration while I'm trying to sleep. Most desireable object reincarnate would have to be a shower knob from our girls locker room here at the rec center of our Uni. Yes I am a perv, but well, that's my dream anyway.