I've decided that I want to convert to Hinduism. Because they get to be reincarnated, and I've finally decided what I want to come back as. Susan sleeps with a couple of teddy bears (yeah, I may be half a man, but the real question is: which half?), one of which is deemed the "breast bear." Apparently there is more work to do here during sleep--keeping things properly separated, moisture control, that sort of thing--than we boys had the slightest clue about.
So that's my idea: how cool would it be to come back as a breast bear? Yeah? But how would I bring it about? It seems that what form you take when you come back is determined by your deeds in life. So if you're bad you come back as an insect; and if you're really bad you come back as money. Or maybe a Republican. What do you suppose it takes to become a breast bear in your next life? Would I have to be a regular Mother Te-frickin'-resa? Would she want to be a breast bear? Eeewwww. I've been practicing, and I've demonstrated to the bear that I'm capable and eager to do the kinds of things I'd be called upon to do in my new capacity. And I'm pretty good, too. It's not like I'd need any special training.
This line of thinking leads inexorably to its mirror-image: what did a fella have to do in a previous life to end up as Dick Cheney? W? Condoleezza Rice? Were they breast bears who bit?
Any suggestions that might clear this all up for me would be greatly appreciated.