Thursday, October 13, 2005


LOS ALAMOS, NM In a secret lab deep in the New Mexico desert, scientists believe they have unearthed a new element. The element is so elusive that, according to scientist Hiram Blackthorne, "we don't really understand anything about it except that it exists."

After years of intensive study, scientists still have only been able to surmise the element's existence thru its effects on other elements. "It's a catalyst for other reactions, that much is certain," said Dr. Blackthorne. But attempts to isolate the element and subject it to experiment have come up empty-handed. Scientists are not entirely sure that this very difficulty is not a direct effect of the element, tentatively called "Texasinine" or "Notmeium."

Scientists first noticed something peculiar during the early days of the 2000 presidential campaign, when criticism of then-candidate George W. Bush came unexpectedly to naught. Large and glaring flaws of reasoning and character raised as campaign issues refused to lodge in the public mind or to arouse media attention. "At first we thought it was just business as usual in politics," said the lab's head scientist, Dr. Elizabeth Gronkman. "I mean, charges and counter-charges are thrown around all the time in a political campaign."

But after several months of jokes about Bush being a "teflon man" the scientists began to think there must be something else at work. This is when a serious study was undertaken, utilizing a little-known group of scientists in a small substation of the Los Alamos National Laboratory, known as the Center for Paranormal Pheremonal Chemistry and Spiritual Periods (CPPCSP).

Efforts initially focused on the state of Texas, since several campaign and administration workers and other key players hailed from the Lone Star State. "The degree to which Bush has been able to avoid shouldering responsibility for any of his administration's actions puts him in a very select group," said a research assistant who wished to remain anonymous. At this point, it hadn't yet struck the scientists to look for something other than a psychological explanation. "But," said Dr. Lucidius Q. Hangwell, CPPCSP's Director of Paranormal Chemistry, "one of our group decided to focus on Tom DeLay, and it was then we realized we were dealing with something entirely beyond political acumen. This was chemistry!" he said, with a glint in his eye. After a comprehensive study, scientists were able to see that the element was similarly at work in others involved in the campaign, and, subsequently, in the Bush Administration. "Tom DeLay, Karen Hughes, and now Harriet Miers," he said, his voice rising to an excited shout, "I mean, how fucking clear does it have to be?"

Initial studies focused on something environmental, something waterborne or in locally-raised beef. But the scientists have been unable to isolate the element. "It appears to be a super-slippery element," said Dr. Blackthorne. "Basically nothing can be made to stick in the presence of Texasinine." While compounds like Teflon were originally considered as an experimental starting point, after massive calculations the scientists concluded that they were dealing with something far more fundamental, probably a heretofore unknown element.

The element is so ethereal, according to Dr. Gronkman, that it would be placed somewhere above and to the left of hydrogen on the periodic table. "Just lighter than unobtanium," said Dr. Gronkman, referring to the newly-discovered element being used to fuel the Bush fiscal policy. "Say what you will, they're a cutting-edge administration chemically!"

1 comment:

The Gronkster said...

Many thanks for this coverage of our work.

Your reporter failed to mention that we originally focused our energies on breastmilk, thinking that this may have been the route of transmission of the substance. But this tack was rapidly quashed: we found that none of the subjects who exhibit the benefits of Notmeium had been breastfed.

We're still waiting for an interpretation of these findings, but work is ongoing.

Keep up the good work!