Obese Texas inmate hides a gun in his flabs of fat.
HOUSTON--An obese inmate in Texas has been charged after officials learned he had a gun hidden under flabs of his own flesh.
Twenty-five-year-old George Vera was charged with possession of a firearm in a correctional facility after he told a guard at the Harris County Jail about the unloaded 9mm pistol. The Houston Chronicle reported Thursday that Vera was originally arrested in charges of selling illegal copies of compact discs.
The 500-pound man was searched during his arrest and again at a city jail and the county jail, but officers never found the weapon in his rolls of skin. Vera admitted having the gun during a shower break at the county jail.
There are so many disturbing things here. First, and admittedly least, this is the first I've heard of the word "flab" being used as a thing rather than a substance. Ergo, I never imagined it was a word that could be pluralized. It's like saying "he repelled women with the cellulites of his thighs." It sounds like something on a (very unpopular) Chinese t-shirt.
But then there's the matter of the full-body search. Searches. Plural. I imagine Groucho Marx: "He's got stuff hidden in places you ain't even got places." Or visions of Mike Meyers as Fat Bastard in Austin Powers, finding the remnants of a long-lost sandwich. Nothing else says it as well: Eeeeewwwwwww. Now, don't get me wrong: those same upstanding jail workers performing a similar search on my rotund self would give me absolutely no opportunity for pride nor you for titillation. But I will go this far: one could not be hiding a freakin' firearm on my carcass without performing surgery. That's one for the Stackster.
And lastly, there's that harrowing vision of what is breezily called the "shower break," an unsettling alchemy of "prison break" and gay porn. Like a bad meal, all sorts of stuff just comes bubbling up unbidden at that. (Excuse me while I go to my happy place.)
That is all.