WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--An independent counsel has determined that the use of nicknames in the Bush White House is "out of control," according to a report issued today by Larry "Blackthorne" Smathers, Deputy Assistant Associate Vice Director of the Office of Independent Lawful Regulated Inquiry of Government ("OILRIG"), a division of Halliburton "Hands Up!" Industries. The report, which took three years and cost $17.4 billion, concluded that while previous administrations had used nicknames, such as Bill Clinton's "Bubba" or Ronald Reagan's "The Gipper," the present administration of George W. "Stupid" Bush was characterized by more nicknames than perhaps all previous administrations combined.
Long a practice in the various branches of the military and in organized crime, the phenomenon of governmental nicknames was laid before the general public in last week's indictment of Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Chief of Staff to Vice President Dick "Le Phuckre" Cheney. But according to the report, the practice goes much deeper than most people realize, encompassing much of the administration and even including an elaborate two-tier naming system. In addition to the President and Vice President, other administration luminaries with prominent sobriquets include Tom "The Hammer" DeLay, Karl "Karve" Rove, Condeleeza "Symbol" or "WTF" Rice, Donald "Atilla the Rum*" Rumsfeld, and Paul "Palpatine" Wolfowitz, among others.
The report also discovered that a second set of nicknames was also in use, mostly among the administration's inner circle. In this select group, Bush is sometimes referred to as "Dubya Pleasure" or "The Drill," and Cheney refers to everyone with a finger snap (a language he claims to have learned from the !Kung of Africa) except Rice, whose administration nicknames are protected under the Governmental Secrets Act. In a bizarre twist, the Halliburton employee who was in possession of an Oval Office tape recording of Cheney's references to Rice was found dead last week, his DNA remains uncovered in a series of cans of Spam packed in a crate in an ocean-going freighter enroute to Surinam as part of an aid shipment. The FBI has promised to look into the case "as soon as Mr. Hoover gets back from vacation."
In a press conference held yesterday, White House Spokesman Scott "Weasel" McClellan said that the public had no reason to be alarmed. "Nicknames are a tradition in American culture," he said. "From Al 'Scarface' Capone to Monica 'Hoover' Lewinski, the American public is accustomed to terms of affection for public figures." He cited as an example Attorney General Alberto "The Big Lie" Gonzales as a trusted figure who also has a colorful nickname. Asked where Gonzales' nickname came from, Weasel said that Gonzales was notorious for giving "The Big Lie" to criminals. He did not elaborate.
The cost of the report has been the subject of some speculation, and OILRIG has made it known that an independent full-staff inquiry is being conducted into the cost of the report. A report on the cost of the report is expected by 2009.
*Courtesy of Michael Feldman