Washington, DC--Tom DeLay today abolished Congress and declared himself "The Supreme Jesus" of the United States.
Dressed in priestly vestments, DeLay impatiently brushed aside urgent questions about the separation of church and state, saying, " I don't believe there is a separation of church and state. I think the Constitution is very clear. The only separation is that there will not be a government church." He added, "I ain't no god-damned church!" and shot dead a reporter poised to ask for clarification.
The deposed House Majority Leader, who was facing indictment on conspiracy and money laundering charges before he dismissed the judicial branch, referred to himself as "Mr. Super-President" and pronounced Grande DeLayed Fatwah No. 1, calling for "instant death" to anyone found disagreeing with him
Later, from the Oval Office, this time dressed in a Navy Admiral's uniform, Commander DeLay spoke to reporters after sacking the executive branch. "These are trying times," Admiral Supreme Jesus declared, "and I'm sick to death of being kicked around by [women] and [minorities] and all these god-damned bottom-feeding [liberals] who hate America! So I'm-a-gonna clean up this shit-hole!"
In an interview later in the day on Fox News he declared, "I'm no longer a superpower. I'm a super-duper power."
The transformation of DeLay from adherent to the rule of law to the Supreme Law Giver is difficult to trace, as his commitment to legal principles was abandoned prior to the advent of written records.
But recapping recent events, things really began to unravel after DeLay's indictment last week on charges of conspiracy to violate Texas election law. After initially insisting there were no laws in Texas governing either the election process or any behavior he declared to be "moral," he then attacked prosecutor Ronnie Earle: "This is one of the weakest, most baseless indictments in American history. It's a sham, and Mr Earle knows it." He then declared Earle to be "one dead [liberal]."
That might have been the end of it, but DeLay was indicted for a second time less than a week later, this time by a Texas Grand Jury, on charges of money laundering and conspiracy to launder money. In response, the former U.S. House majority leader, dressed in camouflage and facial paint, called the proceedings ''an abomination of justice.'' When sympathetic Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist added, apparently in a show of solidarity with DeLay, that the proceedings were "an abortion of justice," DeLay pulled a pistol and shot Frist dead. "I will not have that word spoken in my presence," he declared as the pressroom cleared in a stampede. "Senator Frist was a good man, he simply advocated a bad policy," he said, looking at the smoking corpse. "Now, that's just not something we can have. You're either with me, or... or... shit, you're pretty much [screwed]!"
He then declared the entire Texas Grand Jury to be "as dead as their spouses and children are gonna be."
Questions were immediately raised about governmental intervention in the crisis, but Delay abruptly brushed the suggestions aside. "I AM the federal government," he said.
Democratic senator Russ Feingold, from behind a protective barracade of bullet-proof glass, asked flinchingly about DeLay's carriage of a gun into the Senate chamber, and Delay brandished his weapon and stated to the cameras, "Guns have little or nothing to do with violence. The causes of violence are working parents who put their kids into daycare, the teaching of evolution in the schools, and working mothers who take birth control pills." He then unloaded his magazine at Feingold, who escaped, shaken but unhurt.
Later in the evening, Grande Admiral Super-DeLay de Power Jesus spoke to a huge crowd of armed soldiers surrounding the White House "for the government's protection." He stated to the festive, book-burning crowd that due to the vitality of his role as Grande Supreme Jesus, henceforth he would pay no taxes. "Make no mistake, this is all-out war," he said. "Nothing is more important in the face of a war than cutting taxes."
As night fell on the Capitol, a steady exodus of moderate and liberal lawmakers leaving the city could be seen clogging all roadways. "This is too toxic an environment for me," said Illinois Senator Barack O'Bama.
But Supreme Jesus was having none of it: "It has never been proven that air toxics are hazardous to people. Even to [black people]." He unhooked his leash from the new White House Mascot. "Go get 'im, Rove(r)," he said with a wry smile.