Holey Spirits

I’ve got some questions about angels.

Studies show that lots of people believe in Angels, so maybe someone can clear these up for me. I’d do the research myself, but the damn creatures never seem to appear for a perusal. It seems like angels used to show up to be portraitized a hundred years ago, as there are many paintings and drawings of them. But since the advent of photography they seem to have become scarce. Maybe there’s something in their contract that bans them from posing for photos (they need a better agent!), or maybe there's just something about them that won't let them show up on film. Hey... maybe that's what's going on in all those blank photographs!!

Anyway, they’re always shown with large, feathered wings. But why feathers? What’s with the bird parts? We’re mammals, right? So wouldn’t they have bat wings? Or why not a webbing between limbs like a flying squirrel? And more to the point, why wings at all for an incorporeal being? Do spirits have weight? Enough weight to warrant a large set of feathered wings? Ghosts never seem to have wings. If I were an angel I’d be pissed that I had these damned things that hang up on doorways and are always knocking shit off of tables, etc., while ghosts just get to float around--and thru!--things.

And then there are the robes. Who makes angel robes? And out of what material? Procured how? And how do they get their robes off and on? Surely one could not do it alone. Are there modesty issues with this maneuver? And what of the muscle and bone structure necessary to support these wings? Does that stuff just grow upon death? Is that wierd? For stuff to grow after we die? They say that hair and fingernails grow after death. Wings too? Somebody oughtta catch that on film.

Let me know if there’s a good Enquirer or USA Today article that will clear all this up for me.