To Retire or Not to Retire

OK, it's not really the question. 

Retirement is coming within the next three years no matter what. But sooner if I choose. (As an aside, It's hard to imagine that I first posted on this platform nearly 20 years ago. In what seems the blink of an eye I have spanned the whole of a career. I had been at this job for about four years when I made my first post, and now I'm contemplating the job's end. Of course, it helps that I've done virtually nothing here for half that time. That certainly speeds things along. But still.) 

I'm currently on layover in Osaka at the start of a two week trip (a trip which, for technical reasons related to how our schedules are constructed, will really mean three weeks away from home). And I find increasingly when I'm away from home I chew on what life after the cockpit will look like. I had about five months off last year while the FAA fiddled with getting me certified to fly with a CPAP machine in tow. (This is another post, as I'm verified not to have sleep apnea and so the CPAP machine--which is quite instrusive--is something I neither need nor want.) But that delay was a retirement test drive. Prior to this I hadn't really spent any time thinking about retirement, but during my leave of absence if they had called and said "you're done" (which can certainly happen; we're dealing with a pretty inscrutable government bureaucracy) I realized I'd have been totally fine with that. THAT was a wakeup call. (Assuming my retirement accounts were sufficiently in order.) 

Prior to this, if Susan asked me "Would you keep working if you didn't have to?" I invariably answered "Yeah, I think I would." And now I'm starting to think "Well, not if I didn't HAVE to." I'm coming up on 62 years, and my health remains pretty good. So I think retiring now when I'm still fully present and able to travel, etc. seems a good thing. 

AND YET. This morning I caught a train into downtown Osaka and walked thru the city looking for a cup of coffee. And these little moments are something I will miss when I'm permanently barred from the cockpit. I don't really DO anything on my layovers except walk around listening to music or an audiobook and soaking in the surroundings, but I've done that now for 30 years (23 at this company, the last 15 almost entirely international). This is how I interface with the world. And while I'm aware that I don't really know much substantial about any of these places, I've gained a comfortable, easy familarity with so many of them. I ride the trains, I have favorite restaurants or coffee places, I have favorite walking paths, I know where the cash machines are, I have several local favorite laundry vendors or shopping malls, all of this in far-flung places: Japan, China, Singapore, Mexico, Canada, Dubai, Australia, many places in Europe. In the space of a single year it's amazing to retrace how many places the job takes us to. 

And it's not just the job itself--though the business of flying the 767 is far from old. I'll never NOT find it thrilling and a little magic, no matter how often I've done it. But there's also the independence of work life away from the airplane. From the time we step off the jet until we meet in the hotel lobby 15 or 24 or 50 or 80 hours later, I answer to nobody and get to do exactly what I want according to whatever whim. I've seen great pianists in Cologne, had breakfast on the poop deck of the QE2 in Dubai Harbor, ridden the MagLev train in Shanghai (after viewing the world from the Oriental Pearl), ridden the Star Ferry in Hong Kong. So many, many things, most of which I'll never do again when the airline music stops. While I have never felt the slightest resentment about accommodating my schedule to my wife's work or desires (quite the contrary), it is nonetheless a lovely feature of my job that I am able to follow my own star entirely for these layovers. In retirement, this independence will be harder to come by. 

And there's the question of usefulness and purpose. I have never been motivated by a desire to change the world, and I don't think any question of status among my friends and acquaintances has ever really entered my mind (though perhaps it's because I feel like the job I kind of stumbled into checks that box without any additional effort or attention from me?). But will these things continue not to matter when I'm no longer working? Will becoming an absolute nobody after my working life is done be OK? 

After a couple weeks at home now, I find I'm quite willing to head back to work--sometimes I'm even eager to do so. But increasingly I am aware that if the company called and removed me from my trip with pay (something they occasionally do when a particular trip is needed for training purposes) I would dance a little jig at being able to just stay at home. The nature of this kind of work is hard on one's circadian rhythm. We fly daytime and nighttime in continually shifting time zones, and fatigue--sometimes quite deep fatigue--is part of the job. As I get older I find this more challenging. When I'm over the North Atlantic, dog tired after a long day, I increasingly think to myself "I could just be done." But then there are days like today, walking around Osaka. 

I suppose it's both inevitable and good that I spend lots of time hashing these things over in my mind before making any decisions (and my little CPAP adventure reminds me that my career can very likely end on a timing not of my choosing). From here we head off to places South, including a couple of favoite layovers which I've not experienced for 8 years (since I was on the MD-11): Hong Kong and Sydney. 

So let's not retire just yet.